“Whether you’re transgender or not, most of us get to a point in our lives when we can no longer lie to ourselves.”
Laverne Cox puts it well; we all hide big truths from ourselves. Everyone is dragging something around and around and around until we can’t take it anymore, and we snap.
Not in a bad way. There is a type of breaking down that involves re-shifting the very foundation of your life and this is only caused by powerful realizations of truths that you have never let yourself look at before. Most of the time we lie to ourselves about these foundation-rocking truths because we are terrified of shaking the foundation. Nobody wants to overhaul their lives because of the cost that they perceive to be outweighing the benefits.
This exact thing happened in my life, almost four years ago. I was fifteen and I was miserable. I denied that I was struggling with a deep, deep depression being caused by my intense denial of the fact that I am transgender. Refusing to deal with the root issue — that I was living life in a body that I didn’t identify with — was causing the crippling lows of my depression which I was also convincing myself was “a normal existence,”
When I ask my close friends what the greatest fundamental change is between me then and me now, it is that I am authentic. It is that I am myself. It is that I am happy. I suddenly have energy to give to the world instead of hiding myself. Why? Because I stopped lying pointlessly to myself. I shook the foundation. It involved a huge amount of trust in myself. Trust that I could figure out how to pick up any broken pieces along the way towards a better version of myself — one without the hiding.
It felt a lot like a high ropes course I did once. In one section, we did this “leap of faith” where (hooked into a harness, you know, so we wouldn’t die) we would jump from the top of one fifteen-foot wooden pole to the top of another. There was just enough space to land both feet on it, and it was a distance of about a foot or so in-between the two pole-tops. The jump looked daunting at first, but once I was flying through the air, I knew that there was no turning back. As I landed, I realized that it wasn’t as impossible as I had thought it was before I leapt.
What would happen if you tried to take a leap of faith with yourself? What are you denying about yourself? What is true about yourself? And can you stand to lie anymore?